2017 was a big year for everyone. For Americans, we got our first full year of President Donald J. Trump, the former host of The Apprentice, now famous for shitposting like an absolute madman on Twitter. For Syrians, they saw ISIS chased out of their homeland. For the rest of the world, something happened- I’m sure of it. 2017 was also an important year for the Mad American Network, as Dave Martel forged an exciting partnership with Sux News when he asked us to become his news team!
And then we wrote one article.
That’s okay though, because now we’re making up for lost time, and what better way to show our appreciation for this opportunity than by using the Mad American Network web site to write the official article for the results of our Sux News Person of the Year 2017 poll? The votes are in, and here’s what the people had to say.
#10: Kim Jong-un
Coming in at #10 on our list is everyone’s favorite dictator and mad man, the Glorious Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s right, we’re talking about Rocket Man himself- Kim Jong-un, the 3rd head of the Kim dynasty. Coming to power after the death of his father Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-un was the chubby video gaming child of the family, but this hasn’t stopped him from following in his father’s crazy footsteps… while continuing to play an absurd amount of video games. Kim Jong-un’s plans to build nuclear-armed ICBMs has turned just about the entire world against his country, but he doesn’t give a damn and nobody’s going to do anything about it.
#9: Satoshi Nakamoto
Next up is the creator of Bitcoin, Satoshi Nakamoto. Next to nothing is known about Nakamoto besides this name- a pseudonym- and the white paper for Bitcoin, which is credited to him. Really, we can’t say much about the man himself, but we can say that his creation has become the greatest investment fad of our lifetime, with the price of a single bitcoin rising from $1,000 on its first day of trading in 2017 to over $18,000 at is peak. The success of Bitcoin has spawned a wave of other cryptocurrencies, and laid the foundations for a viable currency that is not associated with any government, but instead backed by the people.
#8: Taco Bell
So you’re driving along and you suddenly realize 3 things: You’re very hungry, you don’t have a lot of money, and you can’t remember the last time you took a shit. You drive by a McDonalds and a Burger King, but you just aren’t feeling either of those options- you might have to stop home and change into your good sweatshirt instead of the one you’re wearing, which is not only worn out, but covered in gravy stains. Coming up on your left though, is a real sight for sore eyes- your local Taco Bell, purveyor of cheap, greasy, shitty un-Mexican food. You want a taco? You got a taco. You want more cheese? They’ll stick a soft taco shell to the outside of a hard taco using melted cheese to hold it in place. You want something deep fried? Order a Chalupa, the wrapper is 100% crispy, greasy goodness. Sure there’s better food out there, but not for this kind of money. With the Taco Bell menu, you can eat an unreasonable amount of food for under $10, and it’ll clear your bowels better than any fad “cleansing” diet.
#7: Vladimir Putin
What could possibly be more popular, more inspiring, and more trustworthy than Taco Bell restaurants? Russian President Vladimir Putin, that’s what. The former head of the KGB has been the president of Russia since the resignation of Boris Yeltsin in 1999, and in that time he has taken the former Communist hellhole and turned it into… more of the same. Hey, he’s working with what he has. At least they still have a functional space program. Russian Soyuz space capsules have been doing all the heavy lifting for ISS missions since the United States retired its Space Shuttle program. Not only that, but the Russian air force has been instrumental in dismantling the presence of ISIS in Syria.
#6: Slobodan Praljak
Slobodan Praljak was a Bosnian warlord and general in the Croatian army, famous for leading forces with the goal of driving Muslims out of Bosnia in the early 1990s. Praljak was tried for war crimes in the Hague, and upon receiving his sentence in 2017 he famously committed suicide by taking cyanide in the court room. It is said that the people of the Balkan states speak of Praljak’s deeds of kebab removal to this day.
#5: Alex Jones
We all know that one guy who believes ridiculous conspiracy theories, and chances are he learned a few of them from this guy. Alex Jones is the founder of Infowars, a news site dedicated to what Jones calls the “Info War”- fighting the dissemination of falsified information and propaganda from the mainstream media. Though his site does post a lot of good information, many people are quick to dismiss Infowars and Alex Jones himself because of the claims he makes, such as the time he mentioned that he “doesn’t like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the freakin’ frogs gay”. That’s clearly just something he made up on the spot… or is it?
#4: The Sux News Crew
Making America Great Again, one shitpost at a time. The Sux News crew has been shitposting the news since 2015. We might be 3 people, we might be 12 people, we might be a sentient AI, or maybe we’re a colony of bugs tied together with a string- we’re not telling. Occasionally we have decent commentary, sometimes we have original content, and if you’re very lucky we might even post something good! Unless Facebook does something to shut us down, Sux News will be around for the foreseeable future. We’re bored and we do this for fun.
Virgins- when will they learn? Chad (seen on the right) is bigger than you, stronger than you, and better looking. All the confidence you lack? He has it, and more. While you slunk around meekly trying not to be noticed, everything Chad does is carefully planned for the express purpose of getting him as much attention as possible. Even when he’s awkward, he still does it in a way that people respect. You never had a chance.
#2: President Donald J. Trump
They said it couldn’t be done. In 2016, nobody believed that the former host of The Celebrity Apprentice stood a chance in a presidential election against Hillary Rodham Clinton. After all, she had spent decades preparing to be our nation’s first female president, and her victory seemed all but inevitable. But, like Chad above, Donald Trump was just better at politics than all the virgin politicians. He showed them how it was done, and won the election. Perhaps the most notable aspect of the Trump presidency is his Twitter presence- Being elected into the highest office of the land hasn’t stopped The Donald from shitposting like an absolute madman. He’s still not afraid to call people fat and disgusting, but now he has ramped it up by extending his fury to world leaders too- most recently by responding to Kim Jong-un’s warning that his nuclear button is at his desk at all times by reminding the North Korean leader that his nuclear button is much larger (and actually works).
#1: A dog
He’s a good boy.
That wraps up our list of the Top 10 most influential figures of 2017! What did you like about it? What didn’t you like? Fight about it in the comments so I can laugh at you. – Tater